Loss
by Belladonna-Isabella
Summary: Spoilers up to ch168 of the manga.My take on how Allen could learn about Cross and his reaction. Yullen.Warning:Possible mild yaoi and slight AU just because we do not know what will really happen .
1. Sorrowful morning

**Disclaimer: I do not own Dgrayman.**

**Warning: **Spoilers up to (at least) **chapter 168** of the manga and **AU**(because we do not know what will happen next). Possible mild Yullen in the next chapter (unless you object).

**Beta-read **by **Izzu **and **Shadow Vampiress**

**A/N1:** My very first -man story! This will be a short story, probably only a few chapters long (2-3) but if you want me to continue it and I think I can do it successfully…I will. This idea came to me after reading chapter 168 and I simply could not resist writing it. It is dedicated to two of my favorite -man fanfic authors,** greenteamoose **and** N.H. Arawn.** Please Enjoy!

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**oOo**

It was the morning after his meeting with Cross, and the man's revelation of Allen carrying the Fourteenth's memories. The white haired exorcist awoke from his slumber only to discover that he was sleeping on a sofa in the library of their new Head Quarters. Not only that, but as he glanced sideways he noticed Lenalee sleeping. She was in a sitting position, doubtlessly uncomfortable, by his side. Also, both of them were covered with a thin blanket.

_**That's right. She and Johnny had been waiting here for me.**_

Allen smiled warmly at the thought. Despite last night's shocking revelations and the uncertain future he was now facing, he was touched that his friends had been worried about him. He was happy to have such friends by his side. Their existence made his burdened heart feel a little lighter.

Allen glanced around, but there was no trace of Johnny. He figured that the older man had gone to tend to his duties. As he removed his side of the blanket and got up, he immediately noticed that the room was quite chilly so he made an attempt to cover Lenalee a little better. The movement made Lenalee stir, and her eyes slowly opened. A smile formed on her lips as she saw the white haired exorcist standing in front of her.

"Allen-kun, good morning," she said as she stretched a bit, enabling the blood to circulate better and remove the numbness from her body. She was a little sore due to her sleeping position.

"Good morning Lenalee," Allen replied, returning both the greeting and the smile.

However, before they had the chance to utter another word a loud growl was heard.

Allen blushed as he brought his hand to his stomach, which had been the source of the sound.

"He he..." he gave a small laugh. "Sorry. I had nothing to eat last night, and I seem to be very hungry at the moment."

Lenalee burst into her cute little laugh, and Allen could do nothing but smile and blush a little more.

"Sorry Allen-kun, forgive me," Lenalee said a few seconds later as she composed herself. "Shall we go and eat then?" she suggested as she sat up, discarding the blanket.

Allen readily agreed.

**oOo**

The two exorcists set out to locate the nearest source of food. The majority of the building that now housed the new Head Quarters of the Black Order was still uncharted territory. The move was still not completed, so they weren't even sure if the living quarters and the dining room were set up.

Ten minutes and quite a few wrong turns later they managed to find their way into a large room with a few long wooden tables. It had a high ceiling and two large wooden doors on opposite sides of the room.

Lenalee and Allen were more than happy to discover that the room was indeed the dining room, and felt even more pleased with the discovery that it was fully operational. Looking around they only saw a couple of technicians having breakfast. Both of them must have been new because neither of the exorcists recognized them. They noticed that both of them were looking very tired.

_**They must have been working all night. **_

As Lenalee and Allen made their way to get breakfast, they came face to face with Kanda and Lavi, who were coming from the exact opposite direction.

"Eh! Allen! Lenalee!" the red haired yelled, waving at them.

Kanda scowled.

"Good morning, Lavi, Kanda," Lenalee greeted.

"Mm," was Kanda's only response.

Allen felt a bit uncomfortable seeing Lavi. After all he, along with Bookman, had been there last night when he found out about the Fourteenth. So he subconsciously avoided making eye-contact with the red-head. That was something that the Bookman junior immediately noticed and he seemed as if he was about to say something to Allen but was interrupted.

"What?"

The four exorcists turned to the direction of the loud voice and saw one of the technicians standing up from his seat and facing a third one.

It seemed that while they had been talking, the two technicians had been joined by a third, who had entered in from the door that Allen and Lenalee had used. The new arrival seemed quite distressed and whatever it was that he had just shared with his colleagues had obviously upset them as well.

"What do you mean the General is dead?" the technician demanded, loud enough that the exorcists heard him.

"General? D-dead?" Lenalee was the first to speak, her eyes wide from the shock.

Lavi, Kanda and Lenalee exchanged questioning and worried glances.

"C-cant be," Lavi said, trying to laugh it off.

Allen had frozen in place, his heart and mind overwhelmed by a terrible feeling.

"Oi! What did you just say?" Kanda demanded as he approached the technician who had given the news.

"I-I just heard that a General was found dead," he stuttered under Kanda's menacing glare.

_**General…Dead…**_

Those two words kept repeating inside Allen's head.

_**General. The only General present in this building is Master.**_

_**No! It can't be. This is a mistake. It can't be him.**_

"Who was the General?"

Allen heard Lenalee's pleading voice asking; her face full of tears, but is seemed to him like it was coming from somewhere far away.

"I-It was General Marian Cross…he was found dead in his room, murdered," the technician explained, obviously, still too shaken himself from the news.

Upon hearing his answer, three sets of eyes turned to Allen in concern.

He stood unmoving; eyes focused on the floor in front of him, unblinking, with a haunted expression on his face. Were it not for the fact that he was breathing, he could have very well been a statue.

_**No! It can't be! T-there's no way! That man can't be dead!**_

_**It's impossible.**_

All of Allen's senses had been numbed. All he could see was darkness as it crept up to him and began to envelop him. His thoughts and feelings were like a whirlwind, consuming him.

_**No. No. No.**_

_**NOOOOOOOOOOOO!**_

He suddenly felt his legs give out and he fell.

His body was caught by a pair of strong arms.

The last thing he heard were voices, calling him.

"Allen-kun!"

"Allen!"

"Oi! Moyashi!"

Darkness overtook him and he lost all consciousness.

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**oOoTBCoOo

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**A/N2:** How was it? Good? Bad? Terrible? Should I continue this fic? Leave a review and let me know.


	2. Kanda

**Disclaimer: I do not own Dgrayman.**

**Beta-read by Izzu and ****Shadow Vampiress****.**

**A/N: **Ok, this is chapter two as promised. I am so happy to receive so much support. A million thanks to all my reviewers and to the people who read my story. I hope you will like this chapter as well

**Enjoy!

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**oOo**

Kanda had had an uneasy feeling ever since he had woken up that day. That feeling was the reason he had expedited his move into the new H.Q. The plans for the move were dictated so that a small group, which consisted of Allen, Lenalee, Johnny and Komui, would arrive in the building where their new home would be the previous day. Then, Allen would use the Ark to link the old H.Q with the new and the next day the move would officially begin.

So, using one of those doors that Moyashi had set up, while ignoring some people from the science department who had told him to wait, he had arrived at the new building. Having been totally unfamiliar with the place he simply walked around for a while, trying to get his bearings. It had been then that he had encountered Lavi. The red-head had been sitting on the ground in one of the corridors, his back leaning on the wall and his eyes fixed on the empty space in front of him. He had been deep in thought, and his expression had appeared sad.

Kanda had been a bit surprised. He had not been able to remember the last time he had seen his fellow exorcist in such a state.

However, as soon as Lavi had perceived Kanda's presence he had instantly reverted back to his usual cheery self, hiding his true emotions behind the intricate mask he always wore. Kanda was not one to pry and ask questions so he had said nothing and had allowed himself be guided to the dining room. He had not had the opportunity to have breakfast yet.

Upon their arrival to the dining room, the answers that lay behind his uneasy feeling had begun to come to him. As he and Lavi had encountered Allen and Lenalee, Kanda's sharpened sense or instinct (whatever it was) had picked up something strange about Moyashi. He had been unable to put his finger on precisely what it was, but there had been no doubt in his mind that something had happened to the white haired exorcist.

His suspicions had been confirmed by the boy's silent demeanor, which in itself was strange, but even more by his unwillingness to make eye contact with Lavi. Kanda had no idea what might have happened, but he had been certain something had. Unfortunately, his train of thought had quickly been interrupted by something he had not anticipated. How could he have?

The news of General Cross's death had hit everyone hard, especially since it had been so unexpected. Even Kanda had been unable to contain his surprise and shock.

It was only after the original shock had abated that he had remembered that Cross was Moyashi's tutor. Immediately his eyes had darted to the white-haired exorcist. Allen had been standing there, frozen. His gaze had been fixed to a spot on the floor, but his unfocused eyes had attested that his mind had been somewhere else and his face had worn a haunted expression; a mixture of shock and pain.

Kanda's heart had skipped a bit upon seeing that expression. It was the first time he had seen it on Moyashi's face.

The black-haired exorcist knew very well how a young exorcist, taken in by the Order as a child, regarded the General who had been assigned with his training. He knew because although he would never admit to it out loud, it was the same for General Tiedoll and him. For the children, the General assigned to them became family, something like a father. So Kanda had been able to imagine the feelings Allen had had for Cross, and what were probably his thoughts and feelings upon losing him. Kanda had known because he had felt like that when Tiedoll had been assumed dead during the Akuma attack on the old H.Q.

Not knowing what to do, Kanda had just stood there staring. But that standstill had not lasted long. Suddenly Allen had wobbled and fell, effectively melting the imaginary ice that had encased Kanda's legs and rooted to that spot. Kanda had sprung into action, moving as fast as he could. He had just barely managed to get to the white-haired exorcist before he hit the ground.

Accompanied by a distressed Lenalee and a worried Lavi, he had carried Allen's prone body to the nearest room with a bed. Lenalee had been persuaded by Lavi to go find Komui, who was probably the most capable of handling the situation. Especially since he would know the specifics about what had happened to Cross, and thus provide them with answers. Lavi had requested that Kanda keep an eye on Allen while he went to find Bookman, just in case he could offer any input or assistance. Again concerning Cross.

**oOo**

So now Kanda was sitting in a chair by Allen's left side.

The room to which he had taken him was small but clean. There was a small window to the right of the bed, allowing the dim sunlight to enter and somewhat illuminate the room. The bed was metallic, of white color, as were the sheets. There Allen lay. His face was paler than usual and he was frowning. He was asleep, but judging from his expression and the occasional twitch of his head his dreams were not peaceful.

Allen was not the only distressed person in the room.

Much to Kanda's dismay, he could not pry his eyes away from the person he so often called Moyashi. Worry had taken root in his heart, and had now begun constricting it. He knew that there was nothing he or anyone else could do at the moment, and that was what plagued him the most. He felt completely helpless and it was a feeling he hated with a passion.

Kanda often pretended to be a cold, disconnected and distant person who only cared about the mission. What few realized was that that demeanor was in fact his defense, his way to keep others at a distance. He had tried to build a wall between himself and other people, thinking that he was protecting them both that way.

He knew that his life would be limited at best, provided of course that the Akuma and the members of the Noah family did not get to him first. That knowledge, along with his natural aversion to socializing, had kept him from getting too involved with people. That way he would not risk getting hurt or hurting anybody else. After all, one other thing he had learned early on was that the pain of losing someone close to you was the instrument that would be used against you for the creation of Akuma.

That was the way he had lived his life…until he met Allen Walker.

He still remembered the first time he had met the white-haired exorcist. He had held him at the point of Mugen, thinking that he was an attacker. Now he could not help but smirk as he remembered the whole incident of their first encounter.

Kanda had never been a fool. Though somewhat disconnected with his own feelings, he could not help but notice the slight fondness he had started developing towards the one he had nicknamed Moyashi. He didn't know when he started caring for Allen, or why, but the feeling had been growing, slowly but steadily creeping into his heart. He had tried to ignore it, to dismiss it, and for a time he had been able to do so. It was not until Allen had been presumed dead, supposedly killed by the Noah of Pleasure, that Kanda realized the intensity of that feeling.

It was not until Edo and Tyki Mikk's claim of having killed Allen that the black-haired exorcist truly understood how it felt to lose the person dearest to you. For the first time in his life he had truly understood the feelings of pain, rage, despair and love that led many people to cling to the hope of seeing their beloved again, thus creating the Akuma. He had understood how much he really loved Allen.

Ironically, that day of utter despair also proved to be the day Kanda experienced the feeling of absolute joy and bliss. It was the moment that Allen, appearing out of nowhere, joined in on the fight against the Earl as well as some of the member of the Noah family and the Akuma army. Kanda had felt indescribable relief when he saw that Allen was alive and well. He had never been more thankful for anything in his life.

He reached out and lightly touched one white strand of hair.

He had realized his feelings, but that did not mean that he was ready to share them. He did not know how to express them, but more importantly he was not sure how they would be received.

_**What would you do if you knew?**_

Of course, he did not receive an answer to his silent question.

Suddenly, Allen started tossing and turning.

Kanda placed his right hand to the younger man's shoulder, gently shaking him, trying to calm him down but to no effect. Allen started mumbling in his sleep, and though Kanda could not understand what he was saying, it was obvious that he was having a nightmare.

Kanda, seeing no results, grabbed Allen by the shoulders and lifted him to an almost sitting position. He shook the younger male a bit more forcefully, but that did not yield any results either. Seeing that he was unable to wake him in that manner but unwilling to leave him in his agony, Kanda did the first thing that came to his mind…he hugged the younger exorcist.

After a few seconds, Allen calmed down but not only that. A very surprised Kanda felt the smaller boy's arms envelope him. He looked down at Allen, but there was no indication that he was awake. Kanda gently squeezed the child in his arms. He felt the need to take all his pain away, to carry it upon himself. He supposed that that was what love truly felt like. He marveled how well the smaller boy seemed to fit in his embrace. Kanda felt the softness of Allen's hair underneath his chin which, due to their position, barely touched the other boy's head.

He knew they could not stay like that for long. Soon the embrace would have to end and he would once again take his place on the chair by Allen's side. But he would cherish this moment for just a bit longer.

_**Just a bit longer…**_

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**oOoTBCoOo

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**A/N2: **How did I do? I hope I didn't disappoint. Please tell me what you think.


	3. Nightmare

**Disclaimer: I do not own Dgrayman.**

**Beta-read by Izzu and ****Shadow Vampiress****.**

**A/N1:** I would like to thank the people who read and particularly, those who take the time to share their opinions with me through a review. Thank you so much! Please enjoy!

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**oOo**

Allen opened his eyes slowly, but darkness was all around him. There was no visible source of illumination. The only thing he could perceive with his still-dulled senses was that he was standing, his legs fully supporting his weight. But where he was or what he was standing on were both mysteries. Even his cursed right eye could not pick up anything at all.

He faintly noticed a stale scent that he could not exactly place. As his awareness gradually returned, he contemplated again, quite puzzled. Not only were his hands gloveless but they were also wet. The liquid felt somewhat warm and sticky. He brought his palms to his face and sniffed. It was the same smell. He knew that scent, it was all too familiar, but he still could not place it. However, he was certain of one thing: it was not a pleasant smell. It made him anxious and wary.

Accepting that there was nothing to be gained from simply standing there, he took a very careful step forward. His foot found solid surface underneath but his hearing, seemingly heightened by the general absence of sound, picked up a barely audible splash. Allen knelt down, without his knees touching the ground, and touched it. He was not surprised to find it wet and was quick to notice the similarities between that liquid and the one dripping from his hands.

Fear gripped his heart as he frantically looked around, without being able to see anything but dark shades. He ventured yet another step and this time he almost stumbled on something that either stuck up from the floor or lay on the floor. He kneeled once more and touched the object. It was cold but soft. His eyes, as though they had gradually grown accustomed to the darkness, were able to distinguish a shape. It was a hand. A hand with silky skin and slender digits.

He gripped it, trying to feel a pulse. Nothing.

Half-blind he searched for the head, noticing that moment by moment his vision became clearer. Now he could vaguely distinguish the shape of the body.

_**No!**_

Upon looking at the face of the dead figure his mind almost stopped working.

_**Lenalee!**_

Everything had become even clearer and Allen noticed that the liquid he had stepped on and the one also on his hands was red, blood red. Lenalee's body was lying in a pool of blood. It was her own blood, judging by the gaping hole near her heart.

_**No!No!No!**_

Allen grabbed the cold body and shook it.

"Lenalee! Wake up! Wake up!" he begged with tears flowing freely. "Please, open your eyes!"

Suddenly, a white light appeared, shining from above. Its source was a mystery since the ceiling was not visible. The light was dim and illuminated only the part of the room where the white-haired exorcist was. Nonetheless, it enabled him to see in everything in almost full detail. The room was made of dark stone, and despite his frantic state Allen noticed there were no exits.

_**It can't be! I have to get help for Lenalee!**_

"Can anyone hear me?" he yelled, hoping that someone would answer as he got up with Lenalee in his arms. It was then that he noticed a glint, out of the corner of his good eye. After receiving no reply he went towards it, in hopes of finding a way out. But all he found was a mirror that reflected part of the light.

Allen looked at his and Lenalee's reflection. His clothes were not the uniform he usually wore. He was dressed in a black suit, which reminded him faintly Tyki Mikk's clothes.

His hands were covered in blood and he could see slightly darker than black stains on his clothes. Lenalee looked so pale in comparison to him. Her lips were colorless.

Suddenly Allen perceived movement in the mirror and immediately turned to see. There was nothing. His eyes darted around the area he could see, all his senses on alert. After a few seconds passed and he saw nothing he glanced back at the mirror. Unlike before, now a large shadow with no distinguishable features stood behind him, almost hovering.

_**The Fourteenth.**_

"Allen…" The voice seemed to come from all around the room but the white-haired youth knew it was coming from within him. From the part of him that was the Musician, the Noah.

The exorcist saw the figure smile and walk away and stop just before entering the dark area directly behind Allen. The shadow seemed to smile as he pointed at something, apparently in the darkness.

"What? I can't see anything," Allen said while trying to make out what the Fourteenth was trying to show him. The shadow of the Fourteenth continued to point but said nothing.

Allen strained his eyes trying to see until he caught a glimpse of something white. Quickly he turned around and found out that there really was something there in the deep shadows. His eyes widened upon recognizing what it was. Almost simultaneously, a nauseating crimson light illuminated the large room, revealing a very disturbing sight.

The white-haired exorcist found himself surrounded by bodies.

Komui, Lavi, Bookman, Johnny, Miranda, Marie, Tiedoll, Kanda and many more. Almost everyone he knew from the Order lay there, unmoving and in a pool of blood. Just like Lenalee.

He went to Komui and kneeled by his side, trying to see if he was still alive.

"Allen…" a deep voice came to the shocked teen as a figure stepped forward.

Allen set Lenalee's body down, beside her brother's and turned to face the owner of the voice, fully prepared for a fight.

He found himself looking at a very familiar face.

"Master…" he uttered.

Cross was giving him a sorrowful smile.

"Master what happened? They're hurt, we must find help!" Allen's voice was a mix of anxiety and hope.

"They are dead Allen…you killed them," Cross's voice was soft and did not hold even a hint of accusation.

"N-no! T-that…w-what are you talking about Master, h-how could I? They're my friends!" Allen shook his head in denial as he spoke. Tears were flowing from his eyes as they darted from the bodies to his Master, silently pleading for someone to disprove everything he had just heard and seen. He felt a despair that he had not felt ever since Mana had died.

Suddenly, as he had only done once before, Cross pulled the teen in an embrace.

"I am sorry Allen. Don't be sad…" as he spoke, his voice was barely more than a whisper. Allen however heard everything and he could have sworn he heard a small laugh.

"Master, wha—" he could not complete his question as he felt the embrace loosen and Cross fell backwards, his body becoming limp.

"Master!"

Allen barely managed to get a hold of him, sinking on the ground with Cross's head on his lap. There was a trickle of blood in the right corner of his mouth and only now Allen noticed that the black suit Cross was wearing and which was buttoned all the way up, was in fact damp. He undid the buttons and saw that the gold-silver vest had a large bleeding wound, which closely resembled the ones the others bore.

"No! Why? Not you too!" the white-haired exorcist embraced the unconscious form, rocking him as his grief and shock overtook him. He began to cry, his sobs filling the morbid room.

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**oOoTBCoOo

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**A/N2:** I apologize if this seems a bit pointless but it is an interlude needed both for the story and for me. The reason is that I need to do a poll and at the same time, I didn't want to leave you without an update until the poll is finished. There are two questions I have to ask all my wonderful readers. Would you like Cross to be dead beyond doubt or do you want this story to follow the manga and leave some things open for debate regarding his demise? The second question is about the pairings, do you want to see another pairing besides the main? ( I am not promising anything but I would like to hear your opinions)


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Dgrayman anime or the manga. I make no profit from this.**

**A/N1:** At long last chapter 4. I finally found some time in the chaos that is my life in the last few months and wrote this. I hope that you will enjoy it! Please don't forget to review.

Betaed by** ThisUsernameIsVeryCreative** and ‏**Shadow Vampiress****.

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**oOo**

The hallway was silent.

Three anxious people waited there, three sets of eyes fixed upon the nearest door.

Inside that room slept Allen Walker, their fellow exorcist and friend.

When the door opened, a heavier silence seemed to settle as Komui, accompanied by Bookman, stepped out.

For a few brief seconds his expression seemed troubled and sad but, in an instant, it turned to a strained smile as he opened his mouth to address the three exorcists.

"How is he Nii-san?" Lenalee's worried voice interceded.

"There is no need to worry so much," he hastened to reassure her. "There is nothing wrong with him physically. It's just the strain he has undergone in the past weeks combining with the shock brought about by the news of General Cross."

"So it is true?" Lavi asked.

"I'm afraid so," Komui confirmed and his expression darkened slightly.

"How could such a thing have happened? Here? There was no word of an Akuma attack," Lenalee's word's mirrored the other's thoughts.

Komui and Bookman looked at each other briefly, as if sharing the same thought, before the latter broke it off. The elderly man cast his gaze on his apprentice making eye contact for a mere few seconds. That was a silent exchange that Kanda had seen before. His extensive battle training had sharpened his senses enough to be able to "read" things about people, namely their body language and their aura. So there was no doubt that they knew, or at least suspected something, about Cross's death. The two Bookmen were typically this cryptic and mysterious. It was usual for them to keep secrets. What _was_ unusual was that apparently Komui was in on the secret as well, or he had his own suspicions about this.

One thing was certain, something was wrong. It was that certainty that had brought him here earlier than expected and the feeling just wouldn't go away. Something had changed.

For a second he halted his thoughts. Was he reading too much into this situation? Was he just imagining things?

_**What's it to me if there is something weird going on? It has nothing to do with me. Why did I suddenly begin to care?**_

A nagging voice that sounded disturbingly like Lavi's gave him the answer to that.

_**It's because this is about Allen. It concerns him, so it matters to you. **_

"We don't know yet. An investigation will take place to determine what occurred." Komui's voice was strained as he gave his vague reply.

"You should put the incident out of your mind for now," Bookman added. "Allen will have need of his friends now."

"Indeed," Komui readily agreed. He then carefully eyed the three exorcists before speaking again. "The move is on its way, and until it is completed the new H.Q will not be operational. We will do our best to hurry it along, but it will still be some time before we are ready to collect and process new information, let alone hand out new missions. So until that time comes, you have time to recuperate and also help your friend. Be there for him and try to keep him away from the investigation, for his own good."

His gaze was fixed on Lavi as he spoke. Though Bookman Junior had shared the cryptic demeanor of his master as well as his partial impartiality, Komui had the feeling that the young man was more attached to his peers than he wanted to admit to himself. Lavi cared for the other exorcists and he had begun showing it more and more, especially since Allen had come.

"But Nii-san why would-", Lenalee was cut off as her brother turned to her and put his palm on the right side of her face in a tender gesture, a light caress.

"Don't ask me anything yet," he said and his carefully hidden sadness must have made itself even a little apparent because Lenalee didn't press him further.

Komui gave her a smile of gratitude and departed. She simply stared after him, perplexed and saddened.

Bookman didn't linger either. He turned and left in another direction just as soon as the supervisor had disappeared from sight, but not before casting a warning glance at his apprentice.

"Lenalee."

The girl was startled momentarily, upon hearing Kanda's low voice breaking the brief silence.

"Y-yes!"

"Why don't you go in and sit with Allen a bit," he suggested.

She stared at him for a moment, perplexed.

"Of course, we shouldn't leave him alone. Someone must be with him when he wakes up," she finally said.

Though clearly puzzled by Kanda's sudden expression of concern regarding the younger exorcist, she chose not to say anything and simply went to sit by her friend's side.

Lavi on the other hand couldn't resist commenting on Kanda's behavior.

"Well, well, well. Yuu, you truly are a sensitive person at heart. I never thought I would hear-" upon seeing the piercing gaze that the black-haired exorcist directed his way, he stopped. "Either you've decided to admit your feelings for Moyashi or you wanted Lenalee out of the way."

**.**

**OoO**

**.**

A few hours later Allen woke from his slumber. He felt strangely rested. He remembered that his sleep had been troubled by nightmares. However, he also recalled a warm sensation enveloping his body, banishing the bad dreams. It had been a comforting presence, surrounding him. The comfort that he had felt then had allowed him to fall into a peaceful slumber. A deep sleep he was in so much need of.

For a few seconds after he came around he felt disoriented, not knowing where he was or how he got there. Then, everything flooded back into his mind. Cross was dead. He had heard that news and that, along with many nights of little to no sleep, had caused him to collapse in the dining room.

_**Somebody must have carried me here.**_

There were two things puzzling him at that moment. The first was why he believed that Cross was dead. Komui had not confirmed such news, for all he knew it might have been a mistake, a stupid and weird gossip. But then, why was there no doubt in his mind? Why was he certain that it was true? But, more importantly, why didn't he feel anything? There was nothing but numbness, no feeling, nothing. He was like a dispassionate observer, watching things happen that really held no real significance to him.

Before he had the chance to dwell on those things more, the door opened.

Lenalee walked in, silently, closing the door behind her, trying not to disturb Allen's sleep. As she moved towards the chair by his bed, she saw him sit up. Instantly, her eyes lit up and a spontaneous smile appeared on her face.

"Allen-kun," she said as she sat down beside him.

_**I made her worry again.**_

His expression darkened.

"I am sorry Lenalee."

"Eh?" she looked at him puzzled.

"I always worry you and cause trouble for other people," he explained in an apologetic tone.

"It's okay, we're your friends, we're supposed to look out for you," Lenalee responded, her smile dim but there. "Especially in such circumstances…" her voice trailed away as her face grew solemn.

"So, it's true…he's dead," Allen nodded with his head as a sign of acceptance.

"I'm sorry Allen. Nii-san just confirmed it," she confirmed.

The white-haired exorcist looked at her with a calmness about him that scared her. He seemed too detached from the situation, from his emotions.

"Did Komui say anything? How did it happen?" he asked.

"He only said that there would be an investigation," Lenalee answered.

"I see…" Allen remarked, seemingly dispassionate.

Lenalee was on the verge of tears, she could almost feel them from inside her eyes. She didn't want him to see her like that. Allen seemed to have calmed down, even if he was a bit cold on the surface, but she was certain that that was just a façade. He was trying to keep himself together. All of them had experienced so much death during the past few weeks, and Allen bore the heaviest burden, always blaming himself for not being able to protect everyone. Now he had lost the person who had guided him, the person who had made him into an exorcist. In her opinion, Cross may have had many faults, especially his behavior towards Allen, but there was no doubt in her mind that Cross was as important to him as a father would have been. She didn't want to see him break down again, so she turned away from him, mastering her self control, willing her tears to disappear.

"I wonder where Kanda and Lavi are. They said they would be right in," the girl babbled a little, trying to hide her state.

That gained Allen's attention for some reason, "Lavi and Kanda? Are they here?"

"Yes. They were there when you collapsed. Don't you remember? You fainted right in Kanda's arms and he carried you here. Both of them were very worried about you."

As she talked, Allen's expression went from one of surprise to one of embarrassment. For a moment nothing seemed to bother him more than the fact that Kanda had been the one to carry him all the way here.

"They're probably outside. I'll go get them," the girl stated as she moved towards the door.

Allen could do nothing but nod.

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**oOoTBCoOo

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**A/N2: **I really want to thank** Kayday, .001Kamikakushi, InfinityOnTheRun, greenteamoose, p power, addenza, Silver Star Celine, buchouslvr, pockylover123, SeikaDragon, ryu-son, Ran Freylera Leto, love is but an element, N.H. Arawn, Tiny Otaku** for their reviews. Those reviews keep me going :) Also many thanks to the people, who have read, have put this story on alert or have it in their favorites. I hope to hear from you some time ^^


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:**I do not own dgrayman.

**A/N:**I know it is a short chapter but real life is in my way yet again so I thought that a short one is better than none. If you disagree please let me know and I will try to post more lengthy chapters, though the updates will be fewer and will take more time. I hope you will enjoy this and that you will review. It will fill me with the energy and will to write faster, without them I loose focus.

Many thanks to **MitarashiiDango**, **XxveryrandomxX**, **greenteamoose**, **Kayday**, **Aion Laven Walker**, **addenza **for reviewing and to the people who read and enjoy this story(please leave a comment if you do, even if it is just one word ^^).

Beta read by **Shadow Vampiress** and **ThisUsernameIsVeryCreative.

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**oOo**

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"So, Yuu-kun! Here we are alone," Lavi smiled while he spoke in his usual teasing manner but he hesitated a little when he set eyes on the serious expression the other exorcist wore.

Despite the playful disposition that the red-haired man mostly displayed he knew how to assess a situation. Normally he didn't yield so easily to the glares Kanda gave him. After all, the Japanese exorcist was so much fun to tease.

However, he saw that his fellow exorcist was not going to take it this time, no matter what comments the red haired exorcist threw his way. Lavi was aware of Kanda's instinct, his ability to "read" people and if he wanted to be honest with himself, he was more than glad that the swordsman was most of the time disinclined to get entangled into matters that did not involve him directly.

Unfortunately, it seemed that this situation was not something he was inclined to ignore. It was understandable of course. A general had been killed in the safety, or presumed safety, of the new H.Q. It was definitely a serious matter that would warrant the attention of everyone.

_**And he has not been informed of the role Cross had played in the business with the Fourteenth or what he said yesterday. **_

The parting words of the General had puzzled Lavi and despite, or perhaps because of, Bookman's urging to put them out of his mind, he couldn't. The more he tried the less success he had. He felt that that last phrase was extremely important.

"_**There is a hidden side to this war."**_

If that was true, and Lavi strongly suspected that it might be, then an even more disturbing possibility arose. The Black Order may have had a hand in Cross's demise.

"What is going on?" Kanda demanded.

"You heard Komui, apparently one of the Generals died. That particular General also happened to be the master of our comrade, Allen." Lavi made an additional attempt to show that he didn't understand what the other exorcist meant.

"Cut the act. Something is going on and it's not just about Cross," Kanda said, eyeing the other exorcist.

"You know what I am talking about. Moyashi's and Lenalee's desperate attempt to locate Cross only to find him inside that thing that they call the Ark. Leverrier's presence. Cross's visit to Central. Not to mention the strange rumors that have been circulating about Allen being a traitor." The Japanese exorcist was dead serious as he spoke.

"Well…we were supposed to locate the Generals after the recent attacks against them and I suppose that could warrant a visit from Leverrier and it-…Since when do you pay attention to rumors?" Bookman junior tried to evade once more.

It had become his second nature to hide the things he knew as Bookman, but that wasn't why he didn't want to say anything to the other exorcist. He simply didn't want to say something that might hurt Allen. The younger exorcist had been through so much recently. Lavi knew that Kanda and the white haired exorcist were often at odds, so it surprised him that Kanda took such an interest in Allen now. However, if the swordsman was to find out the truth there was no way to know how he would react and Allen already had so many things to handle. Lavi simply wanted to give him some time to recover.

"Don't toy with me. Those aren't the only suspicious occurrences. There are also the early arrival at the new H.Q, and the strange ambiance when you met Allen earlier. Then there is also that chaperon that Leverrier has forced on Allen. Certainly you've noticed all this, Bookman," Kanda's voice was cold as he spoke the last few words.

Lavi was stunned for a moment. The way Kanda had addressed him had shocked him. It had felt as if that word had cut his flesh. It was the first time he had spoken to him this way.

_**Yu, you are very serious about this.**_

The red-head sighed.

"Ok, fine," he said, his attitude completely serious, "I will admit that there is something going on. Individually, a lot of things could make sense. Together they compose a picture which isn't so comforting, and the gossip really doesn't help but it can't be avoided I suppose. Especially since Leverrier has 'two-pimple' following Allen ar-"

"That is not very nice" said a male bodiless voice.

Instantly both exorcists turned their attention to their surroundings. For a second they were both startled, and made a move to reach their weapons. They noticed a figure approaching them. Whoever it was, he had managed to get close to them without giving out his presence, which was quite an accomplishment if Kanda's sharp senses were taken into account. However, they didn't have their weapons, since they had been destroyed during the battle in the Ark.

"I sincerely hope that you are not referring to me in that manner," said the same voice.

The figure had come into sight and they identified the person approaching them as Howard Link, the very person Lavi had been talking about.

"Link!" the red-head exclaimed, reverting to his happy-go-lucky demeanor.

"I do not remember giving you permission to call me in such a familiar manner Junior," the blond man said sternly.

"Oh, come on, don't be such a stick in the mud. You can hardly expect me to call you Inspector Howard," Lavi teased.

"A w-wha-" There was surprise and indignation in the inspector's voice.

Kanda was scowling in the background.

"Say, are you here to check up on Allen?" Bookman Junior inquired, smiling happily.

"Indeed, I have come to inquire as to Allen Walker's condition and to relay a message from inspec-"

"Kanda! Lavi!" Lenalee's voice was heard, causing them to turn around. She was standing at the opening of the door, "Oh, Inspector Link is here also! Allen has woken up, why don't you come in to see him?"

"Yes, yes! Let us all go in and greet him," Lavi said, practically pushing the other two men through the door as Lenalee stepped aside to let them in.

_**Sorry Kanda. The answers to your questions will have to wait a bit longer**__**. But I have a feeling you won't have to wait too long. The real question is if you will be satisfied when you learn those answers. Somehow I think that you won't like them too much.**_

"Hey there Allen!" Lavi greeted. "How are you? You look much better now. You actually gave us quite a scare earlier."

"Sorry," Allen said apologetically. He smiled as he looked at the red head, "I feel much better now."

"That's good. I have been instructed by Inspector Leverrier to bring you to him as soon as you are able," Link stated, but there was a hint of sympathy in his eyes, despite his dry delivery.

Lenalee and Lavi reacted simultaneously as soon as they heard that.

"What? No! Allen-kun must stay here and rest!" protested the girl.

"What does he want from Allen again?" asked Bookman Junior with a hint of indignation in his voice. He didn't really like Leverrier.

"Orders are orders. But don't worry, you will come with me. Inspector Leverrier wants to talk to all the exorcists. He has probably sent someone to get the others."

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**oOoTBCoOo

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**PS:There is a new poll in my profile! Also, can anyone tell me is it Kanda Yu or Yuu???  
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	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:** Nope, I still own nothing.

**A/N:** Wow! It has been years! I don't even know if anyone is interested in this story any more. Real life was very difficult, with many problems but now I seem to be back, with a renewed muse and intent to finish this, if there is actually anyone who wants to see more of this story.

**Beta:** Monochrome Blues

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**oOo**

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Link calmly led the group of exorcists to one of the many large rooms of the new headquarters. Allen, who had been given just enough time to don his uniform before being whisked away by the inspector, was walking silently, side by side with Lenalee. Kanda and Lavi followed closely. The four exorcists were deep in thought, wondering what all this was about. Once or twice Lenalee seemed as if she was about to break the silence and ask Allen something but every time the saddened look on the white haired exorcist's face dissuaded her.

Kanda was curious about all this. The look Lavi gave Allen at times bothered him. The fact that the inspector always kept an eye on the younger exorcist, coupled with Leverrier's summons did nothing to lessen his concern. All of this was very suspicious and the sword wielding exorcist didn't like any of it.

Upon entering the room, which was more like a chapel according to the architecture, yet devoid of any furnishings, they saw that the other exorcist had gathered as well. Marie, Bookman, Miranda, Krory, even that new kid, Chaoji were standing in the middle of the, otherwise empty, room looking curiously at the newly arrived members of the Order. It was quite obvious they had no idea why they were there; with the exception of Bookman that is.

The blonde inspector turned to Allen, "Please follow me. The secretary wishes to talk to you in private first." If Allen was surprised he didn't show it. Kanda's trained eyes however, picked up the stiffening of his posture and a brief look of panic that passed from Allen's eyes. The white haired exorcist didn't say anything and he seemed reluctant, almost apprehensive, to turn his gaze towards the other exorcists, his friends. So he just nodded and followed Link obediently to the only other door in the room, just on the opposite side of the one they had used when they entered.

The lack of spirit that Allen showed and that resignation evident in his body language made Kanda uncomfortable. It told him that the white haired exorcist knew, at least on some degree, what was going on and from the way he was acting it was something serious. Not that his demeanour couldn't be attributed to the loss of the general Cross, but somehow Kanda didn't believe that that was the only thing that had dampened Allen's usual behaviour.

Not caring about the presence of the others, his eyes remained fixed on the door that Link and Allen had walked out of. He watched the doorway with apprehension, trying to piece together everything he knew in order to reach some credible theory about what was going on. He didn't know what lied beyond that door, having been in the new head quarters for just a few hours but he could venture a guess. He tuned out all the other exorcists, who after a few awkward hellos and questions about why they were there, that no one answered, simply fell silent. Miranda, Krory and Chaoji were looking around, nervously. Lavi went to the Bookman's side, exchanging a knowing glance with the old man and Marie simply stood there, in his usually calm manner.

The silence was interrupted a few minutes later when three people entered the room. Much to everyone's surprise, especially Miranda's who didn't know what to do with herself and how to behave, it was General Tiedoll, General Sokaro and General Nyne. That was unusual, as the generals for the most time were not informed of their missions or any other matter of significance along with the exorcists. Their attendance was a testament to the importance of whatever announcement Leverrier had to make.

Tiedoll and Nyne, being more courteous and less formal than their colleague, greeted the exorcists politely and in Tiedoll's case, warmly. Only Sokaro remained silent and looking quite displeased, like he did most of the time. However, all the generals had a hint of weariness in their expression, which could only be attributed to one thing.

"Is it true about General Cross?"

Strangely it was Marie who asked the question that everyone wanted to ask. Attention immediately turned on him, as Sokaro was looking angrily at him and the other two just seemed a bit surprised. Perhaps they hadn't realized that the knowledge had spread beyond the higher chain of command of the Order.

Kanda saw Tiedoll nod, a sad expression on his face, "I am afraid it is."

The faces of Nyne and Sokaro were unreadable but Kanda could imagine what was in their minds. For one of their rank to have been killed in such a way…it brought up many questions. There hadn't been an official attack, no alert of Akuma having breached the defences, no warnings about Noah infiltration. Something had happened during the night and a general was killed, the most elusive general to be more precise. Kanda wondered if whatever happened had been covered up and only the upper echelons of the Order were privy to what truly had transpired. After all, in Kanda's experience, it wouldn't be the first time that uncomfortable events had been obscured by the higher ups.

Kanda's attention was diverted from his own musings as the door his eyes had been focused on opened abruptly.

Leverrier stood at the opening, tall and stoic as always, his gaze travelling across everyone already present. As if he was satisfied by the attendance, he stepped through and entered the room, followed by Komui, who, unlike his normal self, seemed reserved. The last ones to enter were Allen and Link, having lingered behind.

As the white haired exorcist came into view, Kanda was struck by the calmness that he had about him. It seemed unnatural, as if he was suppressing all his feelings to show a something he didn't really feel and to smile.

Kanda clenched his fists. That false façade really made him angry, but if he cared to look deeper, he would have realized there was also something else there; a strange coldness mingled with the anger. A part of him wanted to hear what the secretary had seemed to think so important as to gather everyone here, but another part of him nudged at him, like a warning bell telling him that there was a possibility he would learn something that he didn't want to know. He had heard that in many instances knowledge was a curse more than a blessing but Kanda hated being in the dark. He wanted the truth and even though his instincts warned against it, he wanted to find out what seemed to be a closely guarded secret at the moment. Especially since, it seemed to involve Allen quite heavily.

The secretary, looking intimidating as always, took a step forward so that all attention was on him. Standing upright, in his black suit that seemed to fit him too well not to be custom made, he tugged at his right glove, straightening it so that the seams fitted perfectly with the lines of his fingers.

"We have gathered you all here, to inform you of some important developments regarding the war we are waging against the Millennium Earl and his creations," he announced. His voice deep and powerful echoed in the room that had fallen completely silent.

Everyone looked interested and the younger exorcists like Chaoji and Miranda, a bit anxious, probably remembering the recent events of the attack against the Order by the agents of the Earl. The rest were looking sombre as they waited for him to continue.

"We have determined that Allen Walker is host to the memory of the Noah known as the fourteenth."

There it was. Kanda winced upon hearing those words. It felt like he had been dealt a physical blow. That phrase kept repeating in his mind, over and over.

He couldn't believe it.

It couldn't be true.

His fists clenched even more as he tried to suppress any other reaction.

_How is this possible?_

And yet he couldn't doubt it. Not when he saw the brief look of resignation in Allen's eyes, or the pain in Komui's expression.

Kanda wanted to hit something.

He could hear comments of disbelief from the other exorcists; Lenalee especially.

"However," Leverrier continued, raising his tone a bit, "for the sake of appearances, he will remain resident at the headquarters and continue to carry out the duties of an exorcist."

He paused, looking around as if gauging every exorcist's reaction before resuming. "Furthermore; we are instituting a gag order. Only the Central office, order of administrative officers and exorcists are permitted to know his identity."

The exorcists looked to each other, confused and distraught by the news. The Generals were stoic and silent, not betraying their thoughts. Unsurprisingly so were Bookman and Lavi, which confirmed Kanda's suspicions.

"Presently," Leverrier made a vague motion towards the white haired exorcist who stood behind him, "Walker's abilities as the player are necessary to the order and from that angle of our fighting strength a further decrease in manpower would also be a serious blow."

_Of course, he would want to use him. To use a Noah…_

Kanda was torn, between his hatred for the creatures known as Noah, who served the Earl and his own affection for the young man he knew as Allen Walker. He really had no idea what to do, how to react. He was angry, at everything and everyone. He couldn't accept what Leverrier was saying but at the same time he knew it to be true. There was no reason to lie. The secretary was warning them against a potential enemy.

_Allen was an enemy._

No matter how he thought about it, he couldn't quite grasp the idea. The happy and polite Allen who wore his heart on his sleeve couldn't be a Noah. He couldn't be one of those nefarious creatures that had claimed the lives of so many people.

"Therefore, the Central Office has decided that for the present, we will be keeping our very own pet Noah," the secretary concluded, giving them a grin at that last comment.

It took every inch of willpower Kanda had not to react violently to that. Calling Allen a pet, it was infuriating.

_But he is a Noah._

His mind whispered to him, urging him to accept the truth. But Kanda could not reconcile the beings he knew as Noah with the innocent man that kept his gaze downcast all through Leverrier's speech.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Komui take a step forward, but he didn't care what he was about to say. Right now nothing seemed to matter except the fact that had just been revealed, Allen was a Noah.

The thought echoed in Kanda's mind, over and over.

_Allen was a Noah._

There was no denying this.

Thinking back, he had found it strange that only Allen could use the Ark. This should have been a clue, but like now, it had seemed so unlikely. No theory could have lead him to such a conclusion; perhaps because he would not have wanted it to. But truth was truth and he had no option but to accept it.

"As direct commanding officer of the exorcists, I will now announce a mission of unlimited duration for all assembled, "Komui announced. The reflection of the light on his glasses, kept his eyes hidden but from the tone of his voice it was obvious that he had trouble saying what he had to say. Every word he spoke came out strained, "In the event, that Allen Walker awakens as the fourteenth and it is judged he has become a threat to our organization, then…" His voice trailed away.

Kanda could see him bite his lip and clench his fists and instantly he knew what it was that Komui had such trouble saying. Disbelief filled Kanda's mind as he realized that which should have been obvious. Of course Allen,_the Noah,_ would have to be observed closely and in the event of his awakening, he had to be stopped…killed.

_Killed._

He knew that it was necessary, it was pragmatic. All Noah and Akuma were enemies of the world; they were what the exorcists fought against. That was absolute; the collaborators of the Millennium Earl had to be destroyed. Nothing was more important for an exorcist and Kanda agreed whole heartedly.

Then why was he feeling like someone was wrenching his heart?

Why was the thought of driving Mugen through Allen's chest so unbearable?

Because he cared about Allen; He lo-.

He stopped that thought on its trail. He didn't want to think about that. Not now and not after what he had just learned.

Komui took a deep breath, willing himself to speak but was interrupted. Allen himself stepped up and came to stand by Komui's side, giving the supervisor a reassuring smile. He looked calm and collected, so much so that Kanda wanted to punch him, to shake him and make that mask break, to see his true face.

Kanda looked at him straight in the eyes, not knowing what his expression was; if he wore a look of disgust or of affection.

"If that time comes please kill me," Allen's soft voice spoke, almost devoid of emotion. It reminded Kanda of a doll.

"But it won't happen that way," the white haired exorcist assured, some semblance of emotion returning to his face as he gave them a smile. "If the fourteenth tries to attack the Order, I will stop him."

That was something Kanda could believe. There was no doubt that Allen would rather sacrifice himself, lose himself than harm others. That was why the thought of him being a Noah seemed so unbelievable. Allen always put other's first, strived to help and to comfort everyone he found suffering. He was the only one who cared about the souls inside the Akuma. For him to become one of the Earl's apostles…

_The fourteenth._

_A Noah._

_Allen is a Noah._

Kanda couldn't take any more of this. He turned abruptly and stormed out of the room. He paid no attention to the looks he received from everyone. He only cared about getting out. His thoughts were too chaotic and he felt like he couldn't breathe.

So he left, not knowing where he was going and not really caring.

And in his hurry he didn't notice Allen's sad gaze.

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**oOo TBC? oOo**

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_Do review and let me know if you want to see more 3_


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